January 6th, 2024
I found blood in my bottoms yesterday, right as I was leaving from work I found blood. I called the doctor in a panic trying to get seen right away, they sent me to an urgent care. I picked up Justin and we went to an urgent care together, explained the situation, and got some answers fairly quickly. The doctor explained that I could be bleeding due to an egg being fertilized close to my cervix, or because we were still so early in the pregnancy that it could go away soon. They sent us to a different building to get an ultrasound and have blood drawn to find out what was going on. The ultrasound tech stayed late to get us in as they were closing up. She didn’t see a sack anywhere which was concerning because it rose suspicion of an ectopic pregnancy. Then, we’re headed to blood work and came home.
While at the doctor, my mom and aunt Donna were trying to get my location so that Donna could come with us to the doctor to make sure everything was okay. I didn’t want that, I only wanted Justin. I was kind of mean too trying to tell them to not mess with us. Donna still brought over some dinner and groceries to our apartment while we were at the doctor. It was very sweet that she bright dinner and Suzanne sent money for groceries.
About 8 PM last night the urgent call doctor called back with results about my blood work and ultrasound. She was concerned that this might be an ectopic pregnancy in which case they would have to abort the child before I got too far along or my fallopian tubes would burst as the baby grew. And if the tubes burst, then I would die. And then, consequently the baby would die also.
The doctor said that if I start to cramp then to go to the ER and get another ultrasound to see if they need to perform an emergency procedure. About 4:30am I started to feel some cramping and felt that I should call the doctor before heading to the ER. The doctor explained that based my symptoms and blood work, that it was likely not an ectopic pregnancy but that if the cramping consisted or became worse then I needed to go to the ER for an emergency procedure.
I asked Justin for a blessing after that phone call. In that blessing, it said that the doctors will figure out what’s going on and that I am safe. (My biggest concern at the moment because I didn’t want to think my pain was nothing and then die on the bed because I put off going to the hospital.) The blessing said that I will come to understand my body better and how to better take care of it and that what we’re going through isn’t because Heavenly Father has placed this burden upon us but that this circumstance is due to living in a fallen world. I needed to hear that last part because I got really hung up on being given a special burden last time, thinking why God would let me get pregnant so fast and then so quickly take our babies away, breaking apart families.
The blessing filled me with peace. I didn’t want to go down the same path I had last miscarriage, so I prayed for hope.
Grandma and grandpa (mom’s parents live just 45 minutes away) came to our home and dropped off some comfort food, everything to make s’mores. It seems like because my mom asked Donna to help me while we are so far apart, that my entire family learned of the potential miscarriage that we didn’t share the news about being pregnant with anyone other than our immediate family. Grandma and grandpa seriously drove 45 minutes to just give us s’mores things! They really just wanted to check in on us to make sure we were okay. I am so blessed.
We went to the temple to perform sealings shortly after grandma and grandpa left. The sealer was a cute old Dutch man and had a bright spirit about him. He shared that he is part of an international family as he married a French woman and have lived all over the world. He shared that he has 9 children, 26 grandchildren, and 16 great grandchildren. It made me cry when I heard this. It filled me with hope, I started to think of our family with 9 kids and how wonderful that would be but that also it is a possibility, not just a dream! However the children come to us, we will nurture and love them because it will be the Lord sending them to us.
After the temple, Justin and I treated ourselves to a cute cafe in town, it was delicious. We had made plans earlier in the week to spend some time with friends on Saturday evening. We decided not to tell them the news and thought we would try to enjoy the evening as if everything was normal. We did it, and we even felt comfortable.
I have been home for about an hour and a half now. Just before Justin and I said our nightly prayers together, I felt this sincere guilt for thinking of myself so much over the last year as we’ve been trying to heal from our first miscarriage. I thought of how in the blessing Justin gave me last night, I was told that Heavenly Father knows what I’m going through and I couldn’t fathom how He would get it. I mean, He and Christ literally CREATED people in the first place! He of all people should know that He doesn’t get it since They are men! Then I thought again. Heavenly Father has so many children on this earth who out of consequences of this fallen world have left Him. He knows the pain of losing a child before seeing them again. And all of a sudden it made sense why temporarily leaving the 99 to bring back the 1 made sense. I would do anything to bring my babies back, it makes sense why the Lord would feel comfortable leaving the group of 99 lambs who have listened and done well so He can bring one more that has been missed with Him. Every single soul truly does matter.
So I felt that weight. I felt the weight of focusing so much on my own feelings this last year that I didn’t actually have as much healing in the past year as I thought. It feels like I healed more in one day than I have in an entire year. Today, I truly felt like I was the one, like the Lord came to save me, to bring me back into the fold. I know that there are angels holding me up because I have hope. Even though it’s sad that we experienced this, and that our sweet baby won’t experience earth the way we were wishing for, I’m grateful for the healing power of the Atonement through Jesus Christ. Because it is through this power that I am finding joy in the darkness, finding my way back to the peace in places I wouldn’t expect to find it. I know Heavenly Father and my older brother, Jesus Christ live and watch over me daily. They love me, and I love Them.
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